If you\u2019ve been watching the Olympics like me, I\u2019m pretty sure you\u2019ve come to the same conclusion that I have.\u00a0 It\u2019s time to invade Canada.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a really nifty place.\u00a0 How about those mountains?<\/p>\n
And they don\u2019t really use it.\u00a0 It\u2019s the second largest country on Earth after Russia, and after all these years, they\u2019ve got less than 38 million people.\u00a0 We\u2019ve got just about as many folks in California alone.<\/p>\n
Can you believe we import more oil from Canada than from Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Kuwait combined.\u00a0 And they make us pay for it.<\/p>\n
The more I watched Canada on TV, the more sense this war makes.<\/p>\n
Like health care.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how they do it but the Canadians live longer than we do, and they have a lower rate of child mortality.\u00a0 You want a health care system?\u00a0 We take theirs.<\/p>\n
Like French food.\u00a0 For some crazy reason, some of them speak French and make fantastic pat\u00e9.<\/p>\n
But the best reason of all is this is a war we can finally win.\u00a0 A mission we can actually accomplish.<\/p>\n
Think of the strategic advantages we\u2019ll have this time around.\u00a0 Location, location, location.\u00a0 The language.\u00a0 Sure, some of those Quebecers speak French, but I guarantee with some tough interrogation they\u2019ll be surrendering in English.\u00a0 Forget those weird signs in Baghdad or Kabul and those strange languages. Who knows what those translators are really saying.<\/p>\n
And how about religion.\u00a0 They\u2019ve got bibles and some of them go to church and a few go to synagogues.\u00a0 There\u2019s hardly any burka problem.<\/p>\n
Best of all these Canadians are very peaceful people.\u00a0 In 2008, there were only 611 homicides in all of Canada.\u00a0 Detroit and Baltimore had more murders.\u00a0 They obviously don\u2019t enjoy killing each other.\u00a0 And probably won\u2019t enjoy killing us.\u00a0 Plus, if there anything like us, we can probably bribe the overwhelming majority of them into submission.\u00a0 How about a free year of HBO?<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re worried that this is an unnecessary war, think about all the hockey players that will be ours.\u00a0 The immediate upgrade in competitive curling.\u00a0 Or those spiffy uniforms of Royal Canadian Mounted Police.\u00a0 And the oil.\u00a0 And all that land.<\/p>\n
Everyone has their favorite Canadian.\u00a0 Some love that lady who sang the Titanic love song.\u00a0 A lot of folks like Michael J. Fox.\u00a0 My favorite is Steve Nash.\u00a0 You always need a great point guard.<\/p>\n
Always thinking ahead, I\u2019ve asked Will I Am to re-write their national anthem.\u00a0 Something you can dance to.<\/p>\n
Clearly, I\u2019m not the only one thinking about all this.\u00a0 While many American Tea-party-ers were wondering about the sexual preference of our snow-plowing, gun-toting bi-athletes, most Canadian observers were trying to figure out why our teams were using live rounds.<\/p>\n
Other Canadians were having a hard time accepting U.S. Major General McPistol\u2019s apology for the drone that seemed to stray from its intended target in Kandahar, Afghanistan to take out the Molson beer factory in Moosedroppings, Saskatchewan.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not every day you can double the size of your country.\u00a0 I\u2019m all in.\u00a0 How about you?\u00a0 I say \u201cUh Oh Canada!\u201d<\/p>\n
_________________________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n
Mickey Friedman, a self-loathing satirist, issued the following statement from rehab at the Grossinger Clinic for Failed Comedians: \u201cThese tasteless columns are all my fault.\u00a0 I want the press to know that my wife and kids never make fun of anybody.\u00a0 Please keep them out of this.\u201d<\/p>\n
Thursday, February 25, 2010 \u00a9 Mickey Friedman – All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If you\u2019ve been watching the Olympics like me, I\u2019m pretty sure you\u2019ve come to the same conclusion that I have.\u00a0 It\u2019s time to invade Canada. It\u2019s a really nifty place.\u00a0 How about those mountains? And they don\u2019t really use it.\u00a0 It\u2019s the second largest country on Earth after Russia, and after all these years, they\u2019ve […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":5,"menu_order":977,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-21","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P5pvz8-l","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=21"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25,"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/21\/revisions\/25"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/5"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mickeyfriedman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=21"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}