I was annoyed I didn’t get invited. Anyone who is anyone was invited. And quite frankly it’s hard knowing I’m just not anyone.
I wasn’t going to watch.
And I didn’t.
Until Saturday night. I was really, really tired and headed off to bed. Turned on MSNBC but for some strange reason on the weekends they have these docu-crime things. Capturing criminals in Kansas City or life behind bars in Nebraska. Very depressing. And bad-dream inducing. Which left me with CNN. And, of course, a special about the royal wedding.
I wanted to turn it off. But I couldn’t. I was so tired my royal resistance was down. Maybe it was the new CNN guy with the British accent. OK, I thought, if I have to watch this stuff, at least a real British guy can help me understand the real story of the royal wedding. If anyone knows, it’s Piers Morgan.
An hour and a half later, and thanks to Piers Morgan, I now know what’s going on. And I’m going to tell you.
It’s all about the new monarchy. Not the new monarchy we thought we’d be getting with Diana but a new, new monarchy. Really, truly. If you’re worried about losing Medicare or maybe not getting Medicare when it’s your time to get Medicare, you’ll like the new, new monarchy. If you’re worried about getting fired or maybe finding a new job because you’ve been downsized, you’ll appreciate the new, new monarchy. Because the new, new monarchy is a more accessible, more like you and me monarchy. A monarchy that cares.
And why is that? Well it’s because of Kate. And because Kate will succeed where Diana failed.
Because Kate is one of us. Now I’m obviously very late to this party. I didn’t know anything about Kate, I mean really know about Kate until Saturday. To give you an idea how little I knew, I didn’t know that Pippa was Kate sister. I thought she was just some attractive dark-haired woman who was real good at holding up Kate’s dress so it didn’t get ruined.
Now I can sense some of you are skeptical. Thinking who cares. Didn’t we kick their British butts a while ago? Something about tea. A stamp tax maybe. Why is it that stamps are always going up? Is it the glue?
But I say forget about politics for a second. This is about love. And, thanks to CNN and thanks to Fiber One, I learned a lot about love. That’s right, I forgot to tell you that the William and Kate Story was sponsored by Fiber One. “Cardboard, No! Delicious, Yes!” That’s what their commercial said. Really, truly. At first I thought what an odd thing to say about your product. But then I thought: “How wonderful. And how brave.” And then after a bit more thought. “How appropriate!” Because couldn’t you say the same thing about the new, new monarchy. Wasn’t Prince Charles a bit like cardboard? I don’t mean to be cruel but wasn’t that part of the problem. Diana was so very alive and Prince Charles well … so stiff, boring really.
But enough about the sponsor. Let’s go back to the love story. There was a moment when it all came crashing down. When the forces of cardboard reasserted themselves and it seemed like we’d never see the new, new monarchy. Stuck in the old ways.
You see, Will developed a case of cold feet. Was Kate the girl for him? Did she have what it takes? Quite frankly, was she royal material? Prince Charles – who knew first hand the consequences of picking poorly – counseled his son not to settle. And Will broke the whole thing off.
There I am lying in bed, thinking oh my god, if only Diana was around to help her son? Where was the Dutchess of Cornwall? Didn’t Camilla help? Doesn’t anyone appreciate true love? Where the hell is Cupid?
But there was Kate. Kate. Delicious Kate. You’ve got to love the girl. When Will broke it off, she decided to play the field. Which did the trick. Nothing like seeing your ex having more fun than you are. If jealousy doesn’t rekindle the love that was, well nothing will. Will it. Will? And within three months, our future King had come to his senses.
Which is what I mean by the new, new monarchy. Smashingly modern, unabashedly willing to adapt. Flexible. Willing to feel.
Kate is one of us, and I’m sure she will make sure that William knows how to shop. Perhaps even do laundry.
This new, new monarchy is a monarchy I can learn to love.
And now that we’ve agreed that a Kenyan with a false Hawaiian birth certificate can lead us, I say Pippa for President. Fiber One. Cardboard, no! Delicious, yes!
The Berkshire Record, May 5, 2011 © Mickey Friedman